quantum flux

I have to keep reminding myself that cancer isn't like quantum science. It feels like before the biopsy and pathology, things are in a superposition. Schrodinger's cat is neither alive nor dead, but a waveform prior to collapse. It feels like if I don't know what kind of cancer it is, it could be anything. But that's not the reality. This isn't a quantum particle that will only fix once observed. These are macroscopic structures that are what they are. Nothing can make it different. The only thing that will change once we get the report is me. 

I have no news otherwise, just frustration. It has been really hard getting things organized. Trying to get the insurance to pay for the neuro-oncologist. Trying to get the radiologists to get the fMRI scheduled. Every day we have been both been calling multiple people trying to get things moving. Eric has a neurosurgery appointment next Tuesday, then the fMRI 8/26. We are still waiting on the insurance approval for Dana Farber. 

It is weird to exist in this state of forced superposition. Life goes on as usual in some ways. I got rejection notices for two grants (still one possibility), but I am still making progress in my genomics research. Eric goes to clinic and didactics. But in other ways things have changed. Thanks to the generosity of friends, colleagues, and strangers, we are starting to plan ways to make life more feasible for us as we enter the fall. I have signed up for a meal delivery service. We are going to hire house cleaners. We are going to buy a comfortable pull out couch, anticipating having family here to help when Eric has surgeries/treatments. We have all signed up for therapy to help us process things. And meanwhile, we wait for answers, still hoping that our prayers can change the reality of the cells that are multiplying.

I do believe in miracles. Maybe they can.

Comments

  1. Judy DushkuAugust 10, 2025 at 5:29 AM

    You write so beautifully about this sad thing. I can tell that you two are so close as you approach this "event" in your lives and I know that will be a strength. I have a question: Is Eric in pain? And have the seizures become common? I love you, Lindsay. I will believe in this miracle with you....

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